The Tragic Tale of John the Sea Peanut
by Crossover Genius
Summary: Crack-Fic. One-shot- Or epic fail, depending on your definitions. John is turned into a Sea Peanut with the Magic of the Constitution, the Magic of FanFiction can't change him back. Paul and I die. Beatles. Um...yes...


John the Sea Peanut

WARNING: this is a crack fic. Can't say I didn't warn you.

Author's Note: I edited out some of the foul language. And replaced the rest with made up words such as: fagigglygland, bubbliodin, retagrafin, walbuttin. I also know diddlysquat about Linda McCartney and this is simply my impression of her. Also, I am amazed that my computer recognizes diddlysquat and retagrafin as words. Weird.

Disclaimer: Firstly, there is no such thing as a Sea Peanut. But we'll just pretend it is closely related to Sea Weed which would explain the insanity of this fic. (bad drug pun). This is a result of watching Yellow Submarine in its psychedelic entirety on YouTube. This is yet another of my crazy dreams, hence the nonsensicality of it. I do not own the Beatles. That would be slavery. Which is illegal in most parts of the United States, with the exception of Saint. Too bad for Fang, though…

So, I died. Big deal. I could live.

Okay, so I actually couldn't but that's beside the point.

I flickered into a great, white marble hall. John Lennon, George Harrison, and Linda McCartney were standing there, seeming to be waiting for me.

Acidly, John spat out: "It's bloody well time, Crossover."

I feigned annoyance, "so glad to hear how happy you are that I'm dead."

John maturely stuck his tongue out at me.

"John obsesses with you," George informed me in a Scouse mumble.

John proceeded to stick his tongue out at George.

"I wonder when Paul will arrive?" Linda asked, gazing off into the misty part of the hallway. She then turned to me conversationally and asked, "how did you die, anyways?"

"Basement collapse," I said. "The main support beam snapped. Elvis tried to help Paul hold it up while I conjured up some new beams—but Michael Jackson decided to practice spinning and knocked him over. I think they lived though." (a/n: sorry…inside joke. See TMFF)

Paul flickered in beside us. Only, it was more like a fade.

"Slatternly entrance, Paulrus," John said. Paul made a face at him, starting a "whoever-can-contort-their-face-the-most-wins" war.

Paul won.

We stood there for a while awkwardly. (or sexily…whichever)

"So…" John said awkwardly.

"Yeah…" George said dryly.

"Well...do you want to go haunt some people?" John suggested.

"But aren't we technically angels?" Paul asked.

notebook paper

John looked at Paul as if Paul had seven heads.

"Your point is…?" George leaded.

"Don't, like, ghosts haunt people? Not angels?" Paul reasoned. Linda nodded and noted on the logistics of the statement.

John put an arm around Paul's shoulder, "That is entirely beside the point. And anyways, this is Crossover dream. Stop trying to screw it up."

We then find ourselves back on Earth on a deserted beach. There was, like, no one around. No wonder it was a deserted beach…

"Wait. What about haunting people and stuff?" I asked. There wasn't any sign of civilization, which is a good thing. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a deserted beach. The was dreary and overcast. The perfect, ominous something-bad-is-gonna-happen setting. The tide had a nice, gentle rhythm as the gray water washed on and off the sand.

"Changed my mind," John shrugged. He immediately plopped down and began to build a sand castle.

Paul and Linda wandered down towards the surf, holding hands and looking all-around romantic.

This left George and I standing by John building his sand castle.

"So…do you like music?" George asked, attempting to start a conversation.

"Yes."

"Well. What kind?"

"All kinds. Except pop. And rap. Other than that…"

"Oh."

We stood in silence for a while. Suddenly, John became bored with his shapeless mound of sand and went running towards the surf, talking to no one in particular.

"I think we're in America. Now, you may wonder how I know this. Well, it's plainly obvious. It's dead. Now, who's to blame? I like to think George Washington."

But, as John insulted to the Founding Fathers, he stepped into the surf. Instantaneously he was transformed into a—

Sea Peanut!

Paul, hearing the "pop!" scrabbled and caught John in the palm of his hand.

We all just stared.

"Well, don't just stand there! Do something!" John the Sea Peanut yelled.

Paul yelped and nearly threw John the Sea Peanut up into the air.

end of notebook paper

"We have to do something!" Linda said, coming up behind Paul and placing a hand on his arm.

I stepped closer, closing a circle that which was our group gathered around John the Sea Peanut. I knew who we could take him to to change him back. It would be risky getting him there though. That was definitely the Magic of the Constitution that changed him, and not even the Magic of FanFiction that Fang has **finally** learned the meaning of could save him now. There were only two beings who could save him now…

"Merlin. We must take him to Merlin," I said.

"What a wonderful idea, Crossover!" Linda said.

"Then we shall begin out quest to…Camelot!" I announced, then as an afterthought, "I hope King Arthur is in a solicitous mood and isn't too obsessed with his Holy Grail to let us in and allow Merlin to help poor John the Sea Peanut."

Line

"Well, certainly," King Arthur said graciously, drinking wine out of his Holy Grail. "I'd be more than honored to present yourselves to Merlin and entreat him to assist your friend out of his predicament."

Arthur then hiccupped.

I sighed. These medieval-dark ages folks were very friendly and generous, but did they ever have long-winded answers! And I couldn't believe that they'd ever been sober in their life.

Arthur turned to the page standing underfoot. "Fetch Merlin," he said, and the page scrambled and tripped over themselves to follow the command.

"Wine?" he offered.

"No." I replied sternly. He shrugged and gulped another mouthful from his Holy Grail.

"Arthur—I told you. I can't come running each time you feel insecure!" Merlin came hobbling into the throne room. He bowed to Arthur, then turned his attention to us. "How may I help you?"

"Our friend John the Ex-Beatle, Humanitarian, Musician and National Threat, if you're talking to the Nixon Establishment," Paul elbowed me in the gut, breaking off my conspiracy theory, "Yes, well, he insulted the Founding Fathers and he is now a Sea Peanut. The Magic of FanFiction had no effect on him, even the Creator couldn't do anything! Please, Merlin, surely your Druid magic can do something for him?"

Merlin came closer and gazed through his glasses, that we all know hadn't been invented yet but if Disney wants to give him glasses then so be it, "my, my. I don't believe this is a fixable problem. Unless you want to entreat upon the Metaphysical…"

We all gasped. "I knew He could do something…but, I didn't think it was that bad!"

Merlin nodded sagely. "Alright, you guys. Nothing we can do," I sighed.

We returned to Heaven.

This time, we were in a room that looked oddly like my living room. Only, there were amazing bean bag chairs and a disco ball, which was weird because over head lights like disco balls give me migraines, but that's alright, 'cos I was dead and mortal inflictions like that couldn't affect me. So…it really wasn't that weird, but whatever.

We put John the Sea Peanut into a glass and filled it with water so he wouldn't suffocate without water, considering he was an aquatic plant now. He wasn't even a mammal anymore. I wondered if Sea Peanuts had genders or if they were doomed to a life without love? Or if they just…I got off that line of thought really fast.

We left John the Sea Peanut on the counter and starting playing Beatles Rock Band because it was so awesome, God just **had** to have it.

So, we were playing Beatles Rock Band and having an all-around kick ass time. Then, God walks in.

He totally obliterated Paul's record on the vocals, to begin with.

He then, in His blonde hair blue eye glory, hit on Linda, which was totally weird and entirely un-Godly, but it was my dream and therefore not accurate, so that's alright.

"Nazi…" Paul muttered, then wrapped his arm around Linda's waist and glowered at Him.

He pointed at John the Sea Peanut and his Glass of Purified Water and John the Sea Peanut burst out of the Glass of Purified Water and was…

John the Ex-Beatle, Humanitarian, Musician and National Threat As According to the Nixon Establishment and this Totally Awesome John Lennon Shirt I Saw in Dilliards!

Icesong then texted me to ask what we had to do for the math homework I hadn't done yet, I was awoken and the dream ended. When I finally went back to sleep, it drabbled on a while more. Linda and Paul making out. Paul and John making out, which probably had something to do with the Pahn YouTube video that I watched earlier. Then, George muttering how lucky Ringo was to still be alive…

Yeah. Crack fic fail. It was weird. Honest…

How can you go wrong with delusional 3 am in the morning posts on the Macca boards? I was convinced I was actually having a conversation with Paul…

"I have a feeling there was something else I was gonna...oh!

Okay, Paul. Here's the thing. I had this dream last night, right?

So, firstly, we both died. So...not the worst part of it, though.

(Heaven is very nice, by the way)

So, we all meet up with John, George and Linda. You and Linda hug, John makes fun of you, you grin and say: "missed you too" and then we all laugh. George makes a smart comment, huzzah and all that.

So, randomly, we go down to Earth to haunt the little humans, angelic little angels we are. So, we're playing in the ocean...on a deserted beach, 'cos for whatever reason we decided not to haunt people or something.

So, John makes a snide comment about some other dead person, like George Washington or someone like that. (don't remember who).

And, he steps into the surf...and suddenly, he's transformed into a...sea peanut! (which there is no such thing).

Now, you catch him with your amazing coordinated-ness and we all freak out.

We take John the Sea Peanut to see Merlin and Arthur, who are sitting in a garden in Philadelphia with Benjamin Franklin.

Merlin says he can't change him back.

So, dejected, we take John the Sea Peanut back up there. -points up-

Now, we're all there, sitting around on some really neat-o bean bag chairs. We're playing Beatles Rock Band (it was so awesome, God just *had* to have it). 'Least, that's what happened in the dream.

So, God comes in and sees John the Sea Peanut floating in a glass of salt water 'cos he wasn't doing so well in the dry, being an aquatic plant and all. He asks who it is, and we chorus: "John the Sea Peanut" (in the key of G, by the by).

So, he points at John the Sea Peanut and John explodes back into John-ness and breaks the glass (which you shout at him for, 'cos it had been your favorite glass, even though we found it on the beach...but, that's alright).

John apologizes and God says something witty like: "respect the dead" and leaves.

Then, we continue to play Rock Band...

And...

Well, my friend Sophies texts me wondering what we had for math homework...at 3 am in the morning.

Never got to the end...

Anyways. Just wanted to tell you.

Probably among my more normal dreams. Don't even get me started on when we all went laser tagging. That was pretty darn awesome. "

And that concludes this epic fail of a crack fic! Perhaps if I'd thrown, like "sexily" in there a few half-dozen times it woulda been better. Too lazy to go back and fix that though…


End file.
